vato night before navidad

UNO
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
Not a creature was stirring - ¡Caramba! ¿Qué pasa?
Los niños were tucked away in their camas,
Some in long underwear, some in pijamas,
While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado,
In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado,
To bring all children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.
Outside in the yard there arose un gran grito,
and I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?
Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero,
Came dashing along like a loco bombero.
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados,
Were eight little burros approaching volando.
I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre,
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto,
ay Chato, ay Chopo, Maruco, y Nieto!"
Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho,
He flew to the top of our very own techo,
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea.
Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lively regalos,
None for the ninos that had been very malos.
Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone como el viento,
And I heard him exclaim, y ¡esto es verdad!
Merry Christmas to all, ¡y Feliz Navidad!


DOS
The night before Chreemas, on Toosday I theenk,
I go to cantina to geet me a dreenk.
I dreenk saam tequila, I dreenk eet too fast,
Preety damn queek, I fall on my ass.

I peek myself up and go home to my bed,
I pool the cobija up ober my head.
Early next morning, or late een the night,
I heer such damn recket, I theenk eet's a fight.

I geet outta bed, I don feel very well,
My head ees too beeg, eet hort me like hell.
I go to the weendow, I don believe what I see,
A pot-bellied greengo, as plain as can be.

I looook at heez ropa, ees all colored red,
He got heem some chivos tied on to a sled.
I yella and I holler, "Hey, move your fat ass,
Your chivos over dere, they chit on my grass!"

He torn to heez goats, he say just one word,
And them damn chivos chomp in the air like a bord.
They corcle around, and then queek as a mouse,
He land that damn sled on top of my house.

They chaking their horns and stomping hees hoof,
I theenk they damn chore play hell with my roof.
I heer theze ole man chout loud and clear,
"What the hell, Rodriquez, ain't no cheemney up here.

No door, no weendow, nothing but air,
How I gon geev you theze goverment welfare?"
Then right away theze Rodriquez see---
He gon get heemself something, something for free.

So he says to the greengo, "Please come een senor,
Do come on down and use the front door."
So, he come een the house, and upon heez broad back,
He is carry one hell of beeg gony sack.

He puut theze beeg sack down on the floor,
And start pooling out comida galore.
He pool out tortillas, tamales and ham,
He pool out a cheekin and haff of a lamb.

He pool out cervesa and a bottle of wine,
I cannot believe that theze eez all mine!
I'm theenking, "Rodriquez, you locky by heck,
Theze chore as hell beats unemployment check."

So he chakes out heez boles and dreenk some of my wine,
And cosses hees chivos to get them een line.
He cosses and hollers, he knows every one,
"Chinga, Cabron, Yo, Son of a gon."

That ole man he know how to puut on a chow,
Trying to make them damn chivos get up and go.
At last he get them to chom een the sky,
And the last time I see heem, he preety damn high.

He going away and the last theeng I heeer,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS RODRIQUEZ, YOU LITTLE FUCKIN' QUEER!"


TRES
"It was the night before Christmas and all through the casa, not a creature was stirring, hey, vato, que pasa?"
"Hey, man, there's no chimney up here. What will we do?'
Then Pancho Claus said: 'Hang loose, bro. I'll go downstairs and break a bathroom window.' "