Happy New Year 2007!

vato night before navidad

UNO
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the casa,
Not a creature was stirring - ¡Caramba! ¿Qué pasa?
Los niños were tucked away in their camas,
Some in long underwear, some in pijamas,
While hanging the stockings with mucho cuidado,
In hopes that old Santa would feel obligado,
To bring all children, both buenos and malos,
A nice batch of dulces and other regalos.
Outside in the yard there arose un gran grito,
and I jumped to my feet like a frightened cabrito.
I ran to the window and looked out afuera,
And who in the world do you think that it era?
Saint Nick in a sleigh and a big red sombrero,
Came dashing along like a loco bombero.
And pulling his sleigh instead of venados,
Were eight little burros approaching volando.
I watched as they came and this quaint little hombre,
Was shouting and whistling and calling by nombre:
"Ay Pancho, ay Pepe, ay Cuco, ay Beto,
ay Chato, ay Chopo, Maruco, y Nieto!"
Then standing erect with his hands on his pecho,
He flew to the top of our very own techo,
With his round little belly like a bowl of jalea,
He struggled to squeeze down our old chiminea.
Then huffing and puffing at last in our sala,
With soot smeared all over his red suit de gala,
He filled all the stockings with lively regalos,
None for the ninos that had been very malos.
Then chuckling aloud, seeming very contento,
He turned like a flash and was gone como el viento,
And I heard him exclaim, y ¡esto es verdad!
Merry Christmas to all, ¡y Feliz Navidad!


DOS
The night before Chreemas, on Toosday I theenk,
I go to cantina to geet me a dreenk.
I dreenk saam tequila, I dreenk eet too fast,
Preety damn queek, I fall on my ass.

I peek myself up and go home to my bed,
I pool the cobija up ober my head.
Early next morning, or late een the night,
I heer such damn recket, I theenk eet's a fight.

I geet outta bed, I don feel very well,
My head ees too beeg, eet hort me like hell.
I go to the weendow, I don believe what I see,
A pot-bellied greengo, as plain as can be.

I looook at heez ropa, ees all colored red,
He got heem some chivos tied on to a sled.
I yella and I holler, "Hey, move your fat ass,
Your chivos over dere, they chit on my grass!"

He torn to heez goats, he say just one word,
And them damn chivos chomp in the air like a bord.
They corcle around, and then queek as a mouse,
He land that damn sled on top of my house.

They chaking their horns and stomping hees hoof,
I theenk they damn chore play hell with my roof.
I heer theze ole man chout loud and clear,
"What the hell, Rodriquez, ain't no cheemney up here.

No door, no weendow, nothing but air,
How I gon geev you theze goverment welfare?"
Then right away theze Rodriquez see---
He gon get heemself something, something for free.

So he says to the greengo, "Please come een senor,
Do come on down and use the front door."
So, he come een the house, and upon heez broad back,
He is carry one hell of beeg gony sack.

He puut theze beeg sack down on the floor,
And start pooling out comida galore.
He pool out tortillas, tamales and ham,
He pool out a cheekin and haff of a lamb.

He pool out cervesa and a bottle of wine,
I cannot believe that theze eez all mine!
I'm theenking, "Rodriquez, you locky by heck,
Theze chore as hell beats unemployment check."

So he chakes out heez boles and dreenk some of my wine,
And cosses hees chivos to get them een line.
He cosses and hollers, he knows every one,
"Chinga, Cabron, Yo, Son of a gon."

That ole man he know how to puut on a chow,
Trying to make them damn chivos get up and go.
At last he get them to chom een the sky,
And the last time I see heem, he preety damn high.

He going away and the last theeng I heeer,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS RODRIQUEZ, YOU LITTLE FUCKIN' QUEER!"


TRES
"It was the night before Christmas and all through the casa, not a creature was stirring, hey, vato, que pasa?"
"Hey, man, there's no chimney up here. What will we do?'
Then Pancho Claus said: 'Hang loose, bro. I'll go downstairs and break a bathroom window.' "

the stoners christmas poem

Twat da nite b4 Krismus, and all thru tha shack,
not a pipe was burning, cuz they ain't got no mo' crack.

Tha stockins' were ripped offa tha mantel and rolled
into something that resembled a large toilet bowl.

The tree was dried out so they mulched it and crammed
it into the bowl to try some new scam.

My baby woke up so I had to go get her,
by the time I got back, they'd smoked all the shitter.

Tha Ranch Dressing in the fridge! I ran in to get it,
when i got there it'd gotten got...all I could say was shit.

I called my dealers pager and much to my surprise,
10 minutes later he knocked on my do' and put drugs before my eyes.

I smoke weed in tha mornin', at noon, and all night,
I drink wine watching TV cause it makes me get tight.

I pass out on tha flo' just 2 feet from tha bed,
It ain't no thing, cuz I fell on my head.

If it weren't for pot, for coke, beer and wine,
I don't think I could make thru this place in time.

I'm sad and I cry at the shit that I've done,
I know I can't go back, I ain't got anyone.

So I sit here and puff on this 6 dollar pipe,
making my lungs crispy, black and ripe.

I'd go out and party like alla tha others,
but I can't cause I gotta smoke every 2 hours.

I ain't addicted, what the hell I do to you?
you ain't my daddy, I ain't nuthin' to you.

You didn't want me back when I was new,
but now you're a grandaddy so, I gotta love you?

No, not, and never will be,
just gimme some pot and let me be me.

puff puff pass.....

ebonics christmas

De Ebonics Crimmus Pome

Wuz de nite befo Crimmus all ower de hood, ereybody wuz' sleepin' Dey wuz sleepin' good

We hunged up our stockins; An hoped like de' heck That ol Sanna Clause Be bringin' our check.

All o'de fambly; Wuz layin in de beds; While Ripple and Thunderbird; Dance tru' dey heads.

I passed out inna' flo; Right nex to my Maw; When I heard sech a fuss I thunk: "It mus be de law!!!"

I looked out thru de bars; What covered my doe; 'spectin' de sheriff; Wif a warrent fo sho.

And what did I see; I said, "Lawd look at dat!!" Ther' wuz a huge watermellon; Pulled by giant warf rats!!

Now ober all de years; Santa Clause, he be white; But looks liken us bros; Gets a black Sanna dis nite.

Faster dan a Po'lees car; My home boy he came; He whupped on dem warf rats; An' called dem by name!

On Leroy, on 'Lonzo ; And on Willie Lee; On Saphire, on Shanequa; Dey wuz a site to see!!

As he landed dat watta' mellon; Out der in da skreet; I knowed it was fo' sho';Da damndest site I ebber did see.

He didn't go down no chimbley; He picked da' lock on my doe; An' I sez to myself "Shit!! He done dis befoe!!!"

He had dis big bag; Full of prezents I 'xpect; Wid Air Jordans and fake gold; To wear roun' my neck.

But he left no good prezents; Jus started stealing my shit; Got my drugs, got my guns, Even got my burglar's kit!!

Wit my stuff in de bag; Out da window he flewed I woudda' tried to catched him; But he stoled my 'nife too!!

He jumped on dat wadda' mellon; An' whipped out a switch; He wuz gone in a seccon'; Dat son of a bitch!!

Next year I be hopin': Anutha Sanna we git; Cuz' diz here Sanna Clause; Jus' ain't werf a shit!!!

panty hose on the mantle

May the following keep your spirits up during the hectic holidays...

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things atWal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!""Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. Iwanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for 'Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then comeback and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained,"It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless."Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking toLouise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot amber to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Legal Version

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain
improved piece of real property (hereinafter “the House”) a general lack of
stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and
around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/
St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter “Claus”) would arrive at sometime
thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House, were
located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations,
i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited
to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in
said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as
“I”), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the
second part (hereinafter “Mamma”), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained
period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of
headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a
certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of
the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the
cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of
wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter the “Vehicle”) being
pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8)
reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the
previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the
approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal
co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder
and Blitzen (hereinafter the “Deer”). (Upon information and belief, it is
further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named Rudolph may have been
involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences
located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle
was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or
nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or
implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the
chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue
from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the
aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what
appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances
and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor
children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts.
(Said items did not, however, constitute “gifts” to said minor pursuant to the
applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus
touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of
the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as
“lookouts.” Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House,
the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: “Merry
Christmas to all and to all a good night!” Or words to that effect.

weaker sex

honestly, i love women. how the fuck would men survive without women? how would i survive without women. not a woman. women.

they're fantastic creatures, truly fucked up people, women are. would men survive wihtout women. yes. because of women, men have pillaged. because of a woman, a man will turn his back on his friend. because of that woman, a man will work his ass off and die before her, just to please that sorry, stincky cunt. she'll feed him high fat foods and make sure he doesn't get enough rest, that he won't have time to diddle with his hobbies.

fuck her...and her sister if you can. fuck her sister in the ass. that way her sister won't tell her you fucked her. fuck her mother if you can. that way you'll know how that pussy is gonna feel in 30 years, and you can have extra time to choose a replacement.

make sure her ass has a job outside of the house. keep her busy. if she's tired like you are, she won't have time to steal money from your job. and if she's working, her saddle-bagged ass won't be so attractive to her mail-room co-workers as it is to those Kroger grocery baggers.

but, yeah, i do love women.